Friday, 5 September 2014

Nine rules every kid (especially mine) need to know.

1) If Led Zeppelin every happens to come on the radio we quiet down so Mum can sing along to it. We do NOT start having a very loud hissy fit about a broken elastic band.

2) Boobs belong to the person to which they are attached. They are NOT for sharing and, specifically, we do not walk up to Gran, grab one in each hand and yell "HONK HONK".

3) When Mum is driving, do not start a punch up with your sibling on the back seat. This may cause Mum to accidentally jam her foot down on the accelerator and swerve wildly across the road while she tries to break up the fight. Mum does not want Mr Police Man giving her a right royal telling off and a big fine again thank you.

4) No one needs to know that Mum has "just made a big smelly". Ever.

5) We do not ask why that lady has such a big bottom within earshot of the lady with the big bottom. Even if we happen to like big bottoms.

6) If we don't like our vitamin tablets we do not hide them in nooks and crannies all over the house. When it gets hot they will melt into an icky poo coloured mess that smells all yeasty and freaks everyone out trying to figure out what the heck that icky poo-brown stuff is. Just eat the blinking things.

7) That bag of chocolate and lollies hidden on the top shelf of the pantry is not breakfast.

8) Mum's tomatoes do not need "watering" every time you get out of the car. If you've hung on for the entire journey home you can hang on another 30 seconds until the front door is unlocked and you can "water" the toilet instead thank you very much.

9) Vegetables are not poison. We do not tell our teacher that Mum fed us poison last night. Peas will not kill you. Mum might if you don't eat them.